Many couples avoid difficult questions until it is too late. “When it comes to marriage what you don’t know really can hurt you,” begins Eleanor Stanford for New York Times.
Whether it is about shyness, lack of interest or a desire to preserve romantic mystery, many couples do not ask each other the difficult questions that can help build the foundation for a stable marriage.
“If you do not deal with the issue before marriage, you will deal with it while you’re married, “said Robert Scuka, executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. It can be hard to keep secrets for decades, and reticence before the wedding can lead to disappointments.
Ask yourself the following 13 questions before you enter in a relationship or marriage:
1. Does your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?
This question will give you insight into whether your partner will come to mimic the conflict from his parents and the way in which he solve the problems.
2. Will we have children, and if we do, will he change the diapers?
Before marrying, couples should honestly discuss if they want children. How many do they want, and at what point do they want to have them.
3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?
People do not want to talk about their past. They can feel retroactively jealous or judgmental. Some researchers indicated that having had many serious relationships can pose a risk for divorce and lower marital quality. The only real way to have those conversations in an intimate and productive way and loving way is to agree to accept that the other person had a life before the couple.
4. How important is the religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?
Religious questions must be resolved very quickly. Spouses are especially likely to experience conflict over religious traditions when children are added to the mix. If the couple decide to have children, they must ask how the children’s religious education will be handled.
5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?
It’s important to know how your partner feels about financial self-sufficiency and whether he or she expects you to keep your resources separate. Disclosing debts is very important. Equally, if there is a serious discrepancy between your income and your partner’s you must create a basic budget according to proportional incomes.
6. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?
Couples should make sure they are on the same page in terms of financial caution or recklessness. They can also frame this question around what they spend reckless amounts of money.
7. Can you deal with my doing things without you?
After entеring into marriage many people hope that they will retain certain degree of autonomy in their lives. This means they may be unwilling to share hobbies or friends, and this can lead to tension and feelings of rejection if it isn’t discussed. Couples may also have different expectations as to what “privacy” means and that should be discussed, too. You need to ask your partner when he or she needs to be alone.
8. Do we like each other’s parents?
Here is important to present only the front line in this case because in case of a bad relations with your partner parents you will be easier to deal. The problems arise when they are not spoken and in the long term they can become a big burden.
9. How important is the sex to you?
Couples today expect to remain sexually excited by their spouse, an expectation that did not exist in the past. A healthy relationship will include discussion of what partners enjoy about sex as well as how often they expect to have it. If people are looking to experience different things through sex, pleasure versus feeling young, for example, some negotiation may be required to ensure both partners remain satisfied.
10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography ok?
Couples should discuss their attitudes about pornography, flirting and expectations for sexual exclusivity. The first question would be very easy to open but the question of pornography often remains unauthorized because both partners are afraid to ask it.
11. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?
According to Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, “The 5 Love Languages,” she means of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen a marriage. She means about the affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Couples needs to work out how to nurture the relationship, in a way specific to them.
12. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?
Are the things that irritate you the most, valuable to tolerate, because of your partner, in order to receive support and admiration? To survive the marriage it is necessary to upgrade the initial fluid that connected you at first.
13. How do you see us in 10 years from now?