Darn, your head. You really gotta stop drinking Cola.
As you rise from the floor, your back and head aching with the same pounding waves of pain, you take a moment to collect your thoughts. The basics: where, what, how, why, who, none of which you can recall. Slowly, you rise from the cold floor and see yourself in the mirror.WHAT? A million things run through your head, including: “oh please no, let this be a terrible dream” and “my mom is going to kill me”.
“Hey” says your trusty sidekick, the voice in your head “What do I always say?”. You think desperately for a moment, so the voice answers for you: “DON’T PANIC! Tattoos aren’t that bad.” The voice doesn’t seem to believe itself, so it continues:
“Here, Thinking Of Getting A Tattoo? These 24 Pics Reveal How Tattoos Age Over Time”
1. I’m tired of the flippty floppin’ snakes.
“Not so bad???” you yell at the voice in your head, which in turn makes your cola-hungover head hurt “what do I do? Where do I go?” the voice in your head, as per usual, ignores your dumb questions for the sake of the article. “Hey! This one isn’t so bad! It’s barely faded, just the lines are a little softer!”
2. The force is not so strong with this one.
You roll your eyes at the voice in your head. Oh no, this is NOT going to be another shoe caddy incident. “Listen, voice” you say “maybe we can work together on this one. If I comment on how the tattoos look, can you help me find a solution to these tattoos that are covering my body?”
3. I foresee… a faded tattoo.
“That’s reasonable,” says the voice “go ahead”. You clear your throat and look at entry number 3. “Wow!” mustering up as much gusto as possible. “That’s… um… faded and stuff! Look at the outlines, that’s just awful!”
4. I splash on your respectable woman like water.
“Very nice!” says the voice “now, we should probably google tattoo removal. See if we can even afford to get this ink off. Then again…”
5. Your sleeve is starting to leave.
“Look at this one! It’s not TOO terrible! You can still get what it’s supposed to be… I think” says the voice, but you’re already on google typing: “How much is tattoo removal?”
6. Sharknado 16: the tattooing.
As you wait for the results, the voice goes: “AHEM!”. “Oh” you realize, glancing quickly at entry number 6. “Yeah, faded. Sucks”. You turn back to your computer screen.
7. Red Bull gives you wings!
“You know” says the voice in your head, annoyed “I don’t really feel like you’re taking this seriously. We could always do the sho-” “NO!” you yell “No, I’ll be good. WOW! Look at number 7! That’s super faded! Gee, sure wish I didn’t have these tattoos! They’re going to look not as good in ten years!”
8. Every rose has its thorns.
The voice in your head pauses for a long time. “Fine” it says “how much does the procedure cost?” you check the website: $200 to $500 a session. Oof.
9. I’m probably going to lose some geek points for this, but what exactly am I looking at?
“Hey, cheer up!” says the voice as you stare, dejectedly at the website “If your tattoos look anything like this person’s, you’ll be FINE!”. Your head slams into the keyboard. Ouch.
10. Birds of a feather fade together.
“There are LOTS of options for people with tattoos like yours! You can work trades, you can be a writer, you can…” the voice continues with terrible jobs as suddenly, a message pops up on your Skype.
11: A ghoulish tattoo.
“I can help” says the mysterious message. Out of instinct or pure shock, you write back: “with what?”. There is a long pause, as your mysterious contact types his reply. It is: “With the tattoos, DURR”.
12. One fish, two fish, fade fish, tattoo fish.
“A bit cheeky, isn’t he?” the voice says in your head. You scoff at the voice: “How do you know it’s a HE? Women can be mysterious messengers too!” Yeah voice, you sexist pig.
13: The fire dies.
“YEEESH” says the voice “Alright, I’m sorry!” but you don’t hear what the misogynistic voice in your head says, because the person who sent you the message is sending another: “Meet me at 66 This Address Ave. We can get started once you arrive”.
14: Hey, it’s just like in the show! Get outta there Bill!
The taxi rolls up to a scary, abandoned warehouse on the wrong side of town. You know, that place on the other side of the tracks where all the cute but dangerous boys come from? You gulp as you look at the warehouse. You hope the mysterious messenger is cute.
15. Your lips, your smile.
You push through the creaky doors and are greeted by a dark, empty space. Cobwebs line the walls and the overwhelming amount of dust makes you sneeze. A chill runs down the back of your spine, either from the cold void that is the warehouse or from the fact that the warehouse IS a cold void.
16. I thought that said “flavored” for a second.
There is a large BOOM as a light suddenly opens up at the end of the warehouse that makes you jump. Hesitantly, you walk towards the light and soon discover that it’s a doorway. With one final gulp, you step into the light…
17. And now for my next trick, I’ll make my tattoo disappear! And find yourself in a doctor’s office.
Across the way is a small person with short hair in a lab coat across the room, penciling something into a notebook. “Hi everybody,” the person says. You pause and out of instinct, you reply: “Hi Doctor Nick!”
18. Millions of peaches, peaches for free.
The person looks up at you skeptically: “how did you know my name?” the person, apparently named Dr. Nick asks. “AHA!” yells the voice, making you squirm a little, “I TOLD YOU it was a boy!”
19. Black magic! “AHEM” interrupts Dr. Nick “I’m not too sure WHO exactly you’re talking too, but my name IS Nicole” Nicole brushes some hair from her face.
You swallow hard, you’re not too sure how to address this embarrassing mistake. “Erm, sorry” you manage to get out. Dr. Nick shrugs “It’s okay, no harm done. Let’s get started”.
20. See through.
Dr. Nic pulls out two very large, pointy looking tools. You flinch and widen your eyes, to which she scoffs. “These are for taking off the tattoos. With a little bit of homemade anesthetic, it will only be VERY painful, as opposed to UNBEARABLY.”
22. Love does fade!
“Erm” you say, unsure “how much is this going to cost me?” This is when Dr. Nic brightens up “don’t worry! My medical license was revoked, I work for very cheap. Probably about 100$ for the entire hack job.”
22. Dance, dance.
You pause for a very long time. Dr. Nic is smiling wildly at you, with a mixture of faux reassurance and absolute insanity. “I’m not sure…” you say and Dr. Nic shrugs. “Alright, well you can either pay the…” Dr. Nic counts the tattoos on your body quickly “12500$ for a real, LICENSED doctor, or you can go with good ol’ Dr. Nic!”
23. I want a skull.
You sigh deeply, looks like you have no choice! As you lay down on her surprisingly dusty doctor’s bed, she starts to rub the pointy tools together like a butcher. “Now, as for anesthetic,” she says “you can either choose the Tylenol PM or I can hit you really hard with this shovel.” Oh boy.
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