Welcome to the secret life of women. A secret land where they don’t have to be the perfect little princess that society tells them to be. They can be their real selves. Their stinky, hungry selves. Their silly, loud, shameless selves. All without wearing a bra or squeezing their butts into impossibly small spans. This secret world gentlemen, is what happens when women are alone. If you feel brave enough to wander into this dark world, don’t be afraid if you come across something scary, thats just us wearing face masks and cutting our toenails.
We Check Out Our Butts
Whenever we walk by a mirror, we have to look in it just to check in to make sure we are still looking fly as hell, and well, we always are. But whenever we are alone and near a mirror we always do a booty check. Got to look at the goods and work with what we got.
We Make Weird Faces In The Mirror
Everyone likes to look at themselves in the mirror, it’s like checking in with an alien who you hang out with all the time but don’t actually see. We women are so busy making sure our faces are picture perfect that we don’t have time to let loose, except alone in the mirror where we let all our weird hang out.
We Give Ourselves Pep Talks
Before any big event, like a first date, or a meeting with the president, us women like to give ourselves a good old fashioned pep talk to make sure we are ready to rise to the occasion. We may look and feel a little crazy talking to ourselves but it gives us the confidence we need to shine.
Drink On The Toilet
Maybe that pep talk wasn’t exactly enough and we need a little extra liquid encouragement to really calm our nerves and get us ready to do our best. Taking a couple swigs of pinot grigio from a flask we had in our purse while hiding in the bathroom might just be the thing that really hits the spot.
Us poor women wander around the world all day and night holding in our farts for fear that if we accidentally let one slip that we will be seen as unladylike and therefore not suitable to be married to any man. So when we are alone we revel in the fact we can fart as loud and as much as we want.
Sometimes when life gets busy you got to improvise. Women often don’t have time for all the hoopla that comes with showering so we turn to the next best thing and wash the important parts in the sink with a wash cloth. It might not be perfect but it works great in a pinch.
We Check For Boogers
I think its time we all admit, men and women, that it feels really good to pick your boogers. It might be kind of gross but when your nose if full of bats in the cave it is so annoying, and getting it all cleaned out is such a treat. Women do this in private but if we could we would have our finger up our nose all day.
Check Out The Lady Bits
Everything is all tucked away in a nice pretty little package down there. It’s not often that we get to interact face to face with our little flower. Sometimes, usually before a night of getting it on, we check things out, maybe using a hand mirror to make sure we are still pretty as a daisy down below.
Pluck Random Hairs
Being a human is weird and confusing, being a woman is weirder and more confusing. Our bodies are constantly doing unexpected things that we just assume relates to our future child bearing needs and sometimes we sprout random long black hairs in odd places that we need to pluck.
Shake Our Booty’s
When we have a little alone time to ourselves we can’t help but bust a move when no one is watching. Whether it is a nicely choreographed hip hop dance, or a weird artsy modern dance. We are happy to have a solo dance party in the privacy of our own personal space.
Sometimes we are really feeling ourselves. Maybe we got a new outfit, or our hair is really on point. But we have to capture all of that sexy in a photo. Even it the photo never gets sent to anyone and we only keep it for ourselves, its fun to feel like a hot model for a minute.
Scratch That Itch
Women are taught that they are supposed to shave and wax everything, in order to become slick as a seal to please the men of this world. But hair removal is not only painful but itchy. And while we are out in the world we have to ignore the itch but in private it become a scratch marathon.
Air It All Out
We spend the whole day zipped up and tucked away and sucked into our clothes, our shoes, or hairstyles and makeup. When we are alone we want to let it all hang out. From our muffin tops, to our bare breasts, we go commando and we have nothing to apologize about.
Obsess Over Aging
We all want to age gracefully, men and women, because honestly it is inevitable. We say that we love our new distinguished looks, or how we don’t mind the little wrinkles around our eyes but in reality when we are alone we stare for hours assessing the damage father time has caused.
Drink A Bottle (or more) Of Wine
There are those perfect nights in, without girlfriends around or a guy to impress where a woman wants to just eat some take-out, soak in a bath, rent a juicy romantic movie, and drink herself stupid on red wine until she cries, makes a grilled cheese and texts her ex.